I joined a gym with a pool to start swimming. I was a little nervous about this because my swimming usually consists of pool games and breaks to lay out. I’m not really a lap swimmer and wasn’t sure if I could handle it. I also wasn’t sure if I wanted anyone to see me in a swim cap and goggles. So off to the sports store I go to buy all the top gear that I will need.
How is it that I can look bigger in a one piece than a bikini? I ended up paying $60 bucks on a suit that I feel fat in. Why? Then I try on swim caps. I ask the guy if there is any of them that won’t make me look like a big dork. Apparently there is not. So $15 later I buy a black one to match my suit. Goggles are next. I can’t tell you the last time I wore goggles. $25 later I have the exact ones that Michael Phelps uses. Why? Because they are the only ones that don’t make me look like an 8 year old in swim class.
I am on my way out and then what do I see??? A case so that you can swim with your Ipod. Hmmm, it’s going to get interesting now. I must have the case! I HAVE to HAVE the case!! How else will I be able to swim? But is it really worth it? I know me and work outs, I do it for a couple of weeks and then get bored and move on to something else. I better not buy it. $70 later, plus an extra $30 for the underwater headphones, I can now run, swim, kayak, water polo, scuba, snorkel and skinny dip all to the hits of Huey Lewis and the News.
Off to the gym I go with swim gear in tow.
When I arrive I head to the locker room and get dressed, or undressed I guess. Swimsuit on, Swim cap on, goggles on, rockin' Ipod underwater arm band on, Pray to God that the water doesn’t leak in and ruin my ipod, done. I feel like a complete dork and hope that I will not see a single cute man. I walk into the pool area and it’s me with 10 or so men my age, 5 Asian women that are just sitting at the end of the pool whispering to themselves and one other girl in a floral bikini. Really? A bikini to swim laps? I looked like a pro. I felt like a pro. Now I must perform like a pro.
Music switches to my “Work my A** off” play list. I shake my arms and legs, because that is what I see the pros do, and then in the water I go. I am going at a great pace, so I think. Yes, made it to the end and with an underwater flip and turn I am off to finish lap one. Half way through I start to feel pain in my arms. A burning sensation. I think they call this “Show Off Syndrome”. My breaths for air are getting less and less successful but as I end my lap the pride in me makes me turn and flip for lap 2. What was I thinking? I am insane for not easing into this. But I can’t stop now; I have all this gear on. It looks like I know what I’m doing. Flip and turn and the end of lap 2 is coming to a close. I am drowning. I am on fire, not in a good way, and I am drowning. My form is not even good anymore. I look like I am in desperate need for a paramedic.
I decide to stop and come up for air after lap two. When I do I am so out of breath that it hurts. The guys sharing my lane with me say, “Wow, you are so fast. Do you swim a lot?” This is when I look around and notice that everyone else is going a normal speed. Not a gold medal speed. Another guy notices that I am having trouble breathing and recommends that I take it a little easier on the next laps. Ummm, you think??
So after an hour in a half of swimming back and forth, trying to regain my coolness I decide to go home. But wait, I bought a new lock for my locker and where did I put the locker combination?? Oh yes, IT’S IN THE LOCKER!! I looked at the number once and that’s it. And seeing that I have number dyslexia I forgot what they were. So now I am in my suit, tired and wet and now have to get someone to come cut my lock off my locker all because of my stupidity. Nice Jamie. Way to be cool.
I have since returned to the gym, with a new lock and my composure. I take my time with the laps now. I am getting better but still think I look like a big dork. I am not sure when I will feel that the one piece looks good on me. I seem to think never. But if an Olympic scout ever comes to my gym looking for swimmers I will be ready. I will dive right in there and swim my heart out.
Watch out Michael Phelps. I have my eyes on your Gold.
