And She's Down for the Count...

I thought it would be a good idea to try something new this summer. I thought that doing something from my childhood would bring me joy and happiness. Umm, ya. I am pretty sure that I am not a child anymore.

I ordered a kick scooter from my Chase Rewards Points, I really love those things. It makes you buy things that you don't really need, i.e. a Crock Pot, Thigh Master, steak knives and a Shake Weight. So why would ordering a Kick Scooter be any different?
I am so excited when it is delivered to me in the mail at work. I thought about scootin' home but decided to wait till I was dressed a little more appropriately.

Jamie, why a scooter? Well friends, I will tell you.

1. I sometimes need to get places faster than normal and it has been hurting my knees to walk as fast as I do so i thought, "Hey, how about I scoot instead."
2. I see Hugh Jackman, Mario Batali, Matthew Broderick and Susan Sarandon Scootin all over the West Village so why can't I?
3. I can't seem to save enough money to buy a Vespa.
4. I want every guy in Manhattan to think I am 12 rather than 16.
5. Why Not?

So my first day out I scoot over to have dinner on Christopher and Washington in the West Village. It normally would take me about 20 minutes to walk it. Scooting it took me 8. Think of all the time I will save scootin' around the city. I will be able to get so much done.

The Cobra, that is what I named it, handled well. It was a little uncomfortable going over cracks and bumps but on smooth surfaces it was perfect. Thank goodness NYC doesn't have any cracks in their roads (sarcasm inserted here). By the time I got to the restaurant I was sweaty and looked like I had just been through an entire hour of bikram yoga but I still had a great time so it didn't seem to bother me. Someone pointed out that the scooter seemed small. That maybe it was a child's scooter. I denied it and tried to blow it off as if I had done my research on them and knew that I had bought the right one for my size. Little do they know that i DID in fact buy it off of the child's section on the Chase Rewards Catalog. Whoops! Oh well, "good thing I am small so it doesn't matter so it still fits," I thought.

4 days after my first scootin' adventure, when the above picture was taken, I decided to scoot the farthest I had ever gone. 20 blocks to Bed Bath and Beyond. I had to pick up an item that only they carry so I had to make the trip.

Scooting there was a easy. Through Washington Square Park, Up 5th Ave and cross over on 19thth Ave. Sidewalk to street, sidewalk to street. Easy Breezy. On my way back i had my bag hooked to my handle bars since it wasn't too heavy. But what was heavy was the traffic on 5th. I was trying to avoid car traffic and people traffic at the same time. I even got a little air while ramping off the curb. I was confident and had full control.

As soon as my confidence kicked in my front wheel wedged into a deep crack on the sidewalk. The scooter came to an abrupt stop while I kept going. Head first I flew over my handle bars and flipped on to the sidewalk making a sound like a walrus when I hit the pavement. As soon as I hit I thought to myself, "there is no way I will be able to stand after hitting this hard," but with the embarrassment of EVERYONE IN MANHATTAN staring at me I quickly got to my feet, with the help of 2 business men in suits, and got right back on my scooter.

I began to scoot away when I hear, "miss, I think these are yours." I was handed a Jumbo size box of Tampons that I picked up in the "Beyond" section of the store. I know at age 34 I shouldn't be embarrassed about that but if i hadn't just flown over a child's scooter on 5th ave during rush hour I think I would have said thank you and walked off. Instead, I say, "Oh those... huh? No they... um... ya.. ok," and then get on my scooter and scoot away.

As I get closer to home, almost in tears due to the pain and the embarrassment, I decided that the scootin' days are over. I see my supers kid on the way in and just hand the scooter over to him saying, "here, have it. It's yours now."

The very next week I go to the doctor and have my knees looked at. Now I am in physical therapy and have to look like a robot 2 times a week.
Thanks Chase Rewards Points! Thanks for giving me the opportunity to bruise my body and my ego at the same time.

Fatty Fatty 2 by 4...

7 years ago I started noticing sharp pains in my right knee while driving. It would lock up on me and I couldn’t move it. Kinda like a Toyota. I went to see a specialist in Nashville and they did a MRI. The doctor was able to find broken cartilage floating around in my knee that was causing the pain. So he sent me to physical therapy, which I hated, to help solve the problem before surgery was an option. A year later I moved to NYC and never got the surgery.

7 years later I am having more pain in my knees than ever. So yesterday I go to see one of the best surgeons in NYC. We schedule a MRI and x-rays on both knees. During the MRI you have to remain completely still for about 30 minutes. THIS is so hard for me as my knee locks up if left in one position longer than 3-5 minutes. So there I am, stuck in this noisy machine in massive pain trying to not move and focus my energy elsewhere. I focus so hard that I fall asleep. Bad idea. I ended up jumping so the images were blurry. Have to do it all over again and stay awake this time. UGH.

After the x-rays I make my way down to see the doctor. I am left waiting for a while as they review my MRIs. I am convinced that they will find something so wrong with my knees that I will need surgery for sure. After all, that is what the great doctors of Vanderbilt Medical Center told me.

Waiting and waiting and waiting….

Finally the Doc comes in. He asks tons of questions and then makes me walk, which I can do just fine. Then he bends my knees in positions that you only do if you are a contortionist. Ouch!! He hears all the popping going on in there and then it’s on to look at my results.

X-rays show that there is nothing wrong with my bones and alignment. Great news seeing how I fall constantly and just recently flew over the handlebars of my kick scooter last Monday.

MRI results. Dun dun dunnnnn. I’m waiting for the news, “Jamie, we will have to do a small procedure on you. You will be on crutches for a while and we will have to operate on both knees.” – is what I thought I would hear.

Instead it was, “Great news, everything seems to be in place. The popping is from Patella Femoral Syndrome. No surgery required, just Physical therapy.”

What?? Really? Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t want surgery but I would rather surgery over physical therapy. Only because I hate working out.

Ahhhhh there it is. There is the key phrase “I hate working out”. We will come back to that later.

So he signs me up to go to a clinic that he tells me is “Dance Therapy”. Cool, so I will be dancing as my therapy? Sure, that’s it. Awesome. Ummm ya, I was wrong again. It just treats the dancers from Baryshnikov’s school. I will not be taking dance with them. Duh, Jamie. Good thing I posted that on my Facebook status before I actually looked into it.

So I get there to the clinic. There is a lady with a thick Russian accent screaming something at the front desk girl over paperwork. I assume she is a friend of Baryshnikov’s since she’s Russian. First impressions, pretty cool. All the therapist are young which is a plus. And there are several cute male ones. Which is a plus plus.

I am sent back to see mine. His name is John. He is blonde, built and thinks my jokes are funny. So far so good. He begins doing things to my knees that make me think he is just trying to break them so I have a real reason to be there. 30 minutes of him bending and pushing and lifting and rolling and he comes up with a conclusion.

Here is what he said, “8 years ago when you said you stopped dancing and basically stopped exercising everyday your ITB began to tighten up because you were not stretching. Over the 8 years it has gotten so tight that it is pulling your knee cap out of place which is causing the pain and popping. Your muscles around your knee are no longer strong enough to counteract this action. This usually occurs in women because of the hip line being wider. And this often occurred in ex dancers or athletes who stop being active. So we will need to work all this out and retrain your thigh muscles.”

Here is what I heard, “You have been so lazy for the past 8 years that you now have fat thighs and you need to get off your lazy butt and do something with yourself you wide lazy load. How do you expect those knees of yours to carry such heavy gorilla thighs?”

I have always hated my thighs but how come all of you never told me that I was getting fat. Thanks friends.

SO now I have to go in 2 times a week for 3 months to “retrain my muscles”. I knew this day would come.

Negatives – I’m fat, I still hate working out, it’s painful and all the cute PT's know I’m fat and lazy.

Positives – I will finally get my fat thighs in shape, my knees will stop hurting, I might get used to and enjoy working out and I will get to flirt with the cute fit physical therapists 2 times a week for 6 weeks.

It’s a win win for everyone involved!!